I was very encouraged to read this excellent blog by Gail Ruben.

Gail runs A Good Goodbye out of Albuquerque, New Mexico.

Its strapline, which appeals hugely to the My Last Song team, is ‘Funeral Planning for Those Who Don’t Plan to Die’. We have two straplines which benefit from greater brevity but lack the clever humour. They are: ‘Plan Your Exit Strategy’ and ‘A Good Life Deserves A Good Ending’.

Gail’s blog looked at what she loosely titles funeral films, and then describes the great music played in the soundtracks.  Quite a few have been chosen by visitors to Family Bhive in their fave five – the five songs they want to be remembered by, or played at their funeral, or send off party. Several haven’t yet been chosen but should be listened to because they are  excellent farewell songs.

What was encouraging was the confirmation that there is  a growing interest in the importance of getting the right music played at your farewell, rather than clichéd hymns (and I recognise how important hymns are for those of the Christian faith) and even clichéd secular songs.

My Way comes top of those songs that show little imagination. There are better Frank Sinatra tracks, even though Paul Anka’s lyrics are very apt for the final review of a life about to end.

In the past few months there have been increasing number of online forums, mainly in the US, Canada and UK, discussing funeral songs. The range of suggestions has been vast, covering most modern music genres, as well as arias and classical pieces.

Anything which makes people think about their mortality and plan to make it as positive and successful a goodbye as possible should be encouraged. That’s why we are part of the Dying Matters coalition here in the UK and want to share information and ideas with people like Gail Ruben in the US.

In an article posted on My Last Song, the Reverend Peter Ratcliff, repudiates the ‘Princess Diana style’ modern funeral, saying it is “little better than an entertainment show”.

Reverend Ratcliff, minister at St John’s Church of England (Continuing), South Wimbledon and editor of the English Churchman, opposes the growing trend where the minister allows families to read poems and tributes, “thus becoming little more than a Master of Ceremonies.”

Reverend Ratcliff argues that “It is quite inappropriate to produce a ‘Princess Diana style’ modern funeral… The service is predominantly the worship of God and so needs to be led by a minister of God.”

According to Reverend Ratcliff, the place for members of the family to address other family and friends is at the reception that follows the funeral, not during the service.

He says that many of the mourners, lacking any knowledge of the Bible, will want the funeral to be “light and jolly”.

This, he says, “is a challenge, not an excuse to dumb down funeral services.”

To ensure the congregation understand the solemn nature of the service, “the minister should take the whole service himself without allowing family and friends to present poems and eulogies. It is his job and he should not hand it over to those who are not qualified.”

Reverend Ratcliff’s views fly in the face of the growing trend to mix secular elements with religious content at the request of the family.

This is known as a mix’n’match funeral, or the Modern British Funeral, and was institutionalised by the funeral of Princess Diana in September 1997.

Watched by millions around the world, the service included tributes read by both Diana’s sisters and a controversial address by her brother, Lord Spencer. Elton John played a re-worked version of Candle in the Wind.

The service was lead by the then Archbishop of Canterbury, Dr George Carey.

Reverend Ratcliff also believes burial is preferable to cremation, saying: “the language of being buried and raised with Christ is so beautifully illustrated at the grave and this leaves a lasting impression of a wonderful and sure hope.”

Yesterday, Sunday, two articles for My Last Song appeared in my inbox. Neither author knew the other was going to contribute, yet the similarities of the two were revealing.

One, entitled Solving the Funeral Dilemma, was from Reverend Peter Ratcliff, Minister, St John’s Church of England (Continuing), South Wimbledon, and editor of the English Churchman. The second was on the importance of hymns at funerals from Reverend Canon Peter Moger, Preceptor of York Minster.

Both made profound and, in the case of the former, controversial, arguments central to a Christian funeral service.

Solving the Funeral Dilemma is a powerful repudiation of the increasingly common ‘Princess Diana style’ funeral at which relatives of the deceased read poems and eulogies, making the role of the religious celebrant little more than a compere or Master of Ceremonies.

Reverend Peter Radcliff argues that to compensate for the lack of religious understanding that much of the congreation will have, the minister should stress the Christian message that the deceased is going to a forgiving and loving God, and to show the grieving mourners that he, the minister of God, loves them and desires the very best for them.

He argues that ‘he should not stand down from his duty or hand it over to those who are not qualified. The service is predominantly the worship of God and so needs to be led by a minister of God.’

If members of the family feel they want to address everybody, they can do that, he says, at the reception following the funeral.

Reverend Moger’s piece concentrates solely on the relevance of hymns at the funeral, and gives as the most important reason that they ‘express very clearly the heart of what Christians believe about life and death.’ He doesn’t give an opinion on whether secular songs have a role in the funeral service, but I expect he would disapprove. He gives other good reasons why hymns should be sung, including that ‘hymns tend to stay with us throughout our lives…and help form our spirituality.’

I am very grateful to the two contributors for redressing the balance of the articles within My Last Song which, up to now, have supported the growing secularisation of funerals, and indeed defining the mix of religious and secular content as the ‘Modern British Funeral.’

No doubt the dilution of religious content will continue to increase reflecting the greater secular lifestyles and views of those now reaching the end of their lives. These people and their families will want the most appropriate end of life ceremony, and as they pay the bill, what they want is what they get.

But for those who are Christian, who believe in God, these articles will strengthen their faith and hopefully the resolve of their families to organise a religious funeral that, in its spirituality and faith in God’s forgiveness, will bring comfort and a greater understanding of what being a Christian means.  And even for those who have little or no belief, to recognise that those close to the parted find strength and comfort in their faith is itself reassuring and beneficial.

If the observance of religion is to witness grief and hopelessness replaced by strength and comfort, then even the most cynical atheist will understand the power of faith. And nowhere does this happen more than in properly conducted Christian funerals.

The new(ish) My Last Song poll asks people to vote on choices of what they want to happen to their bodies when they die.

The choices are Burial; Cremation; Eco-friendly church or cemetery burial (which means eco-friendly coffin and charity donations in lieu of funeral flowers); Woodland burial; Used for medical research and Leave it to my family to decide.

So far 15 per cent have chosen the last option. That is to say, they don’t want to take any responsiblity, they are happy to leave it to their families.

Well, one thing is certain, families won’t be happy to have to deal with all the issues that arise when a loved one dies. For when you are numb with shock, when you are grieving and when you are trying to come to terms with the loss, you are at your lowest.

And to have to make difficult decisions such as the choice of funeral arrangements and looking for all the important details of the life that has just ended so that probate can be sorted out quickly adds significantly to the stress and anguish.

Why would you want to leave a mess for your loved ones to sort out when, with a bit of planning ahead, you can ensure that most of the issues are dealt with, and moreover, on your terms?

So if you are environmentally aware, you can plan for your own ‘green funeral’. If you have no religious convictions, you can have a secular funeral. If you want your life to be remembered by certain pieces of music, you can state what these are.

Similarly, you can ensure your estate is passed to whoever you want to benefit by making and updating your will and letter of wishes. You can list all the details which your executors and close family members will need in the days and weeks following your demise.

If you do this, your loved ones will not just be relieved, they will be extremely grateful you had the foresight and good sense to sort out your end of life affairs while you were able.  They will think better of you, and their pain and stress will be lessened.

The Lifebox within My Last Song has been created to make this process as easy as possible. There are sections for organising the will, writing the letter of wishes, planning the funeral arrangements and listing all the necessary details that need to be known.

The Lifebox also has other sections that enable the family, now and in the future, to have an accurate insight into the departed person’s life and times.

So, if you are thinking to choose the ‘Leave it to my family to decide’ option in the My Last Song poll, think again. To leave it to your family to sort out your affairs just after you have died is a callous and even cruel decision which will make life even more difficult for your loved ones.

With the My Last Song Lifebox to guide you easily through the process of putting your own affairs in order, there’s no excuse for making your loved ones’s lives even more difficult…and not having the ending that you want to be remembered by.

Less than one in five people who voted in a poll on funeral music choices on My Last Song chose hymns to be played at their funerals.

The poll, carried out between 14 June and 16 August, asked people to vote on the type of music they wanted played at their funeral.

Thirty nine percent of the 150 voters chose modern secular while those who wanted a mixture of all categories accounted for 27 per cent. The full results are given later.

The poor showing of hymns confirms the trend towards funerals with a greater secular content.

My Last Song describes funerals which mix religious and secular elements as the Modern British Funeral.

It is more celebratory than grieving as family and friends give tributes to the loved one rather than listening to readings delivered by the minister.

Other features of the Modern British Funeral include informal dress codes, colourful eco-friendly coffins, greater accessibility to mourners of other faiths and interment in Woodland burial sites.

Modern British Funerals also include civil ceremonies held at local council buildings or other suitable non-religious locations. Civil celebrants are trained to officiate at funerals which mix secular and religious elements.

Once people face their own mortality, the more likely they are to want a Modern British Funeral. If they leave it to others, it is more likely they will have a traditional funeral that doesn’t reflect their views or lifestyle.

The choices, and number of votes, were:

Hymns: 27;

Modern secular (popular music from about the 1920s onwards): 59;

Classical secular (non-religious classical music): 11;

Classical religious (songs from requiems, Ave Maria, sacred classical music): 6;

A mix of these: 40;

Something else (poetry and non-musical readings): 7.

Visitors to My Last Song contribute their favourite five farewell songs. So far 48 people have contributed their five farewell songs. Only two people have asked for a hymn.

The most popular farewell songs that visitors have so far contributed are:

What A Wonderful World: Louis Armstrong

Heartbeats: José González

Here Comes the Sun: The Beatles

I Say A Little Prayer: Aretha Franklin

How Can You Mend A Broken Heart: Al Green

Je ne regrette rien: Edith Piaf

My Funny Valentine: Sarah Vaughan

Start Me Up: The Rolling Stones