At the opposite ends of the buying spectrum are planned purchases and panic buys. Both hardly need definition, but my take on them is as follows.

Planned purchase. You know you need to make the purchase; you research the costs, value for money, quality and availability of the product or service. You get information online or from experts, friends and relatives whose knowledge and expertise you trust. Once planned, (or researched, possibly a better term) you make the purchase.

Panic buy. Something you didn’t plan or anticipate happens and to deal with the issue you have to purchase something at very short notice. You defer to other people’s expertise, don’t question the price, buy immediately…and often regret it afterwards because what you purchased wasn’t fit for purpose or value for money.

Now let’s look at the purchase of funeral services. In theory they should be planned purchases. (If you think you or your loved ones will live forever, stop reading here.) Once we reach a certain age, suffer from terminal or life threatening illnesses or feel for whatever reason the time is right, we have to address our – or our loved ones’ – mortality. And this, of course, includes thinking about the funeral.

And yet the vast majority of funerals are panic buys. Despite the best efforts of the excellent Dying Matters coalition, death and dying is still a taboo, ignored until a loved one has died at which time grieving relatives, in a state of shock, go to the funeral directors they have used before, or are nearest in the local high street, or whose marketing messages have been most successful.

There’s a good chance that the funeral director so chosen is part of the Co-operative Funeralcare group, whose venal, dishonest and disrespectful practices in exploiting panic buyers were exposed by Channel 4’s Dispatches programme on Monday 25 June.

While I’m fairly sure the programme highlighted practices that most Co-operative Funeralcare employees wouldn’t accept, the impersonal treatment of bodies and the desire to make the greatest profit is an inevitable result of a corporate mentality of money before service rather than the other way round.

Understandably, most people have no interest or desire to know much about funerals.  Which is why it is so reassuring that trustworthy sources of information, advice and expertise exist.

The Good Funeral Guide is a comprehensive guide. The Natural Death Centre is ideal for those wanting to plan a natural burial. You wouldn’t expect me to ignore the wide range of advice found in My Last Song.  (My apologies to those growing number of organisations not mentioned whose sympathetic advice on funeral planning also enables the customer to be better informed.)

As baby boomers – used to good service, questioning old fashioned rituals, less likely to be church going – increasingly address their mortality, a big change in attitudes towards funerals will take place. They will be informed purchasers, they will think about the environmental impact of their funerals, they will want to stamp their individual personalities on their final event.

The funeral industry, in the main rather conservative and distrustful of innovation, will have to deal with informed customers making planned purchases and demanding a very personalised service which will test the professionalism and business skills of many funeral directors.

The two conglomerates, Dignity and Co-operative Funeralcare, should anticipate this now and start providing a more imaginative and customer led approach because otherwise smaller, more creative companies will take growing amounts of business from them.  It will be interesting to see how they deal with what will be quite revolutionary changes.

People will be rightly shocked and worried by Channel 4’s Dispatches Undercover Undertaker (Monday, 25 June) exposure of Co-operative Funeralcare’s impersonal, dishonest and overtly commercial handling of funerals.

The production line ‘hub’ for the treatment of bodies is the inevitable result of rationalising (making more profitable) the most time consuming part of the process. The advice to embalm – damaging to the environment, expensive and usually unnecessary – and the reluctance to make customers aware of cheaper coffins, are also the results of profit being more important than service.

Given the nature of TV exposures, I’m pretty sure that the majority of Co-operative Funeralcare staff give a better service and are more sympathetic to the wishes of their customers than portrayed in the programme. But since when has good news or good behaviour been highlighted by the media?

Charles Cowling, publisher of the Good Funeral Guide, made the very good point during the programme that most customers make their funeral decisions without any knowledge…a funeral is normally a panic purchase.

Death, our own and that of loved ones, is inevitable so there is really no excuse not to plan for it. It is also depressing, awkward and difficult to address. So go one of two ways. Ignore or plan.

Ignore and you risk the treatment exposed by Dispatches…and the more likely the profit motive will prevail over ethical service within the funeral industry.

Plan and you’ll get the send off you or your loved one deserve, pay a lot less and help move the funeral industry forward. For businesses are only as good as their customers want them to be.

My Last Song was established because we believed a ‘good life deserves a good ending’. Another catch phrase that sums up our philosophy is the encouragement to visitors to ‘plan their exit strategies’.

To this end we have many articles on funeral planning, but to make matters easier…and to get the best service possible from the funeral director, go to the funeral planning checklist article and print out the checklist. Use it to plan the funeral, and get the best deal.

If you think your demise, or that of loved ones, is some time away, store it in your Lifebox.

Far better than ignoring the funeral planning until it’s too late, because then it really is too late.

Time to fess up…’Harry’ is Bern, aka Bernie or Bernard, Shaw. His funeral yesterday was a success if defined by the emotions expressed by those who attended.

Funerals will only be ‘successful’ if properly planned and that takes time and effort from those involved.  The funeral director, W Uden, did a good job, though commissioned by Bern’s sister Joy and his best friend Bill, so I can’t speak for them but everything was agreed and delivered according to plan.

They recommended an excellent humanist celebrant, Jeanne Rathbone, who put the ceremony in a humanist context, understood and related Bern’s positive characteristics and personality and outlined the key events in his life without diluting the tributes that followed. She was most sympathetic and respectful, especially when relating Joy’s reminiscences of their childhood together.

Jeanne also augmented the readings by reciting two appropriate poems, If I Should Go by Joyce Grenfell and How Long Is A Man’s Life? by Brian Patten.

West Norwood crem (see note at the end) doesn’t use the Wesley Music system for playing farewell tracks, so I recorded a CD  with the music for the ceremony.

The tracks were played absolutely on cue by the crematorium manager…Bernard came in to Space Intro/Fly Like An Eagle by the Steve Miller Band. My tribute – memories of our friendship and his unique qualities – ended by detailing some of the music we shared. This included Tom Waits, and so was played his tender, anguished version of Somewhere, from West Side Story.

Then Bill, a loyal and generous friend of Bernard, recalled two or three very humorous moments they shared when Bern stayed with him following his time in Frankfurt. We needed some laughter and Bill delivered.

Hilary, Bern’s partner for an intense period many years ago and who, like many others, has stayed loyal and affectionate, read most sympathetically The Road Not Taken, by Robert Frost. This was chosen by Maggie, Bern’s widow who came over from Frankfurt to attend.

Maggie was deeply affected by the funeral and hugely grateful to all those who attended. She designed the excellent order of ceremony leaflets, using some great photos of Bernard.

The track played during the time for quiet contemplation was Meadow of Delight and Sadness from John Barry’s lovely The Beyondness of Things.  And as we watched the curtains close around Bernard for his final journey, The Joker by the Steve Miller Band played, understood and appreciated by everyone who had cried tears of laughter when Bern told a joke or acted out a ridiculous monologue.

Virtually all came back to The Rosendale to share memories, catch up on old friendships and listen to a playlist to which various friends contributed. The staff were helpful, the food excellent and the music system worked well. More important, it was good to meet members of Bern’s family who attended and whose memories of Bernard were so touching to hear.

Bernard, I’m glad to say, had a good funeral. Several people said he would have approved. On his behalf, then, thanks to everyone concerned. Continue to remember him well.

West Norwood Cemetery is an excellent example of a Victorian metropolitan lawn cemetery and has the finest collection of sepulchral monuments in the capital, including a dedicated Greek Orthodox necropolis. Lambeth Council built the crematorium on the top of the hill from which there’s a great view of London. I recommend it as a peaceful and interesting stroll.

I’m about to do a deal with an leading on-line florist which supplies high quality funeral floral tributes and sympathy flowers. It will mean visitors to My Last Song will get a good discount.

At the same time, two of the main ‘messages’ within My Last Song is to have a green funeral (and force grown flowers are not green); and to use the funeral to donate money to your favourite cause, or that of the deceased loved one.

The link between flowers and funerals goes back thousands of years, as a contributor points out.  And even today, many people automatically send or take flowers to the funeral. Funeral directors assume that flowers will be part of the event, though will willingly organise and fulfill charity donations in lieu if asked by the family.

Traditional cultural habits often override more contemporary views at funerals.  So most families organising the funeral of a loved one will want funeral floral tributes to be part of the event.

If you want your funeral to raise money for a good cause rather than spent on flowers, make this one of your funeral wishes that you place in your Vault so that your family don’t make the (wrong) choice on your behalf.