Coffins are going through a change of image in our culture, though an understandably slow change because everything to do with the subject of death and dying is conservative, whether the funeral industry (though with notable exceptions) or our society…you’re likely to be in a group of one if you ask people at a party if they’ve thought about their coffin recently.

Risking, then, online isolation, let me point to the popularity of the display of Ghanaian and English ‘designer’ coffins at January’s South Bank exhibition on death, and also to the growing trend for decorating coffins of loved ones with bespoke designs, graffiti, illustrations, words of affection and humour, even glued on newspaper cuttings and photographs of footballers and pin ups.

I’m all for this trend as it will make people think about the choice of coffin, rather than nod through what the funeral director suggests as the price of the coffin makes up a large part of the cost of the funeral.

I’m particularly exercised by this issue because the cross on the back of Bernard’s coffin was incongruously facing an almost exclusively atheist group of mourners throughout his humanist funeral.

On a range of costs you have at one end the elaborately built coffins much loved by some Ghanaians and the wonderful Crazy Coffins, to the plain cardboard coffins that will be supplied direct to the family from companies such as Greenfield Creations.

I believe that the involvement of bereaved loved ones, or those facing bereavement, in choosing an appropriate coffin (such an eco-friendly type if the departed was concerned with the environment) and decorating it with personal images and messages, can reduce the feeling of helplessness, anxiety and anguish that death inevitably causes.

Playing a part in personalising the coffin is a way of saying that you accept death and aren’t going to collapse into grief when confronted by it. So, I’ll risk telling my friends and fellow party goers that the next time I’m involved in a funeral I’m going to decorate the coffin.

It might clear the room, but at least I’m doing my bit to change our culture. (Probably why the last time you were invited to a party was five years ago – ed.)

Time to fess up…’Harry’ is Bern, aka Bernie or Bernard, Shaw. His funeral yesterday was a success if defined by the emotions expressed by those who attended.

Funerals will only be ‘successful’ if properly planned and that takes time and effort from those involved.  The funeral director, W Uden, did a good job, though commissioned by Bern’s sister Joy and his best friend Bill, so I can’t speak for them but everything was agreed and delivered according to plan.

They recommended an excellent humanist celebrant, Jeanne Rathbone, who put the ceremony in a humanist context, understood and related Bern’s positive characteristics and personality and outlined the key events in his life without diluting the tributes that followed. She was most sympathetic and respectful, especially when relating Joy’s reminiscences of their childhood together.

Jeanne also augmented the readings by reciting two appropriate poems, If I Should Go by Joyce Grenfell and How Long Is A Man’s Life? by Brian Patten.

West Norwood crem (see note at the end) doesn’t use the Wesley Music system for playing farewell tracks, so I recorded a CD  with the music for the ceremony.

The tracks were played absolutely on cue by the crematorium manager…Bernard came in to Space Intro/Fly Like An Eagle by the Steve Miller Band. My tribute – memories of our friendship and his unique qualities – ended by detailing some of the music we shared. This included Tom Waits, and so was played his tender, anguished version of Somewhere, from West Side Story.

Then Bill, a loyal and generous friend of Bernard, recalled two or three very humorous moments they shared when Bern stayed with him following his time in Frankfurt. We needed some laughter and Bill delivered.

Hilary, Bern’s partner for an intense period many years ago and who, like many others, has stayed loyal and affectionate, read most sympathetically The Road Not Taken, by Robert Frost. This was chosen by Maggie, Bern’s widow who came over from Frankfurt to attend.

Maggie was deeply affected by the funeral and hugely grateful to all those who attended. She designed the excellent order of ceremony leaflets, using some great photos of Bernard.

The track played during the time for quiet contemplation was Meadow of Delight and Sadness from John Barry’s lovely The Beyondness of Things.  And as we watched the curtains close around Bernard for his final journey, The Joker by the Steve Miller Band played, understood and appreciated by everyone who had cried tears of laughter when Bern told a joke or acted out a ridiculous monologue.

Virtually all came back to The Rosendale to share memories, catch up on old friendships and listen to a playlist to which various friends contributed. The staff were helpful, the food excellent and the music system worked well. More important, it was good to meet members of Bern’s family who attended and whose memories of Bernard were so touching to hear.

Bernard, I’m glad to say, had a good funeral. Several people said he would have approved. On his behalf, then, thanks to everyone concerned. Continue to remember him well.

West Norwood Cemetery is an excellent example of a Victorian metropolitan lawn cemetery and has the finest collection of sepulchral monuments in the capital, including a dedicated Greek Orthodox necropolis. Lambeth Council built the crematorium on the top of the hill from which there’s a great view of London. I recommend it as a peaceful and interesting stroll.

This is an edited contribution by Kwame Twumasi-Fofie to My Last Song which shows that not all Ghanaians are happy with the growing trend for expensive and party-style funerals in Ghana. 

Among Ghanaians in general, and the Akan people in particular, one event that brings us together more than any other is bereavement. 

In rural Ghana where even now birthday and wedding celebrations are virtually unknown, funerals have always been a significant feature of our social life. However, as funerals are all about mourning rather than partying, I believe that we in Ghana have lost its meaning, replacing it with commercialisation and exhibitionism.    

Until quite recently, one significant aspect of Akan tradition was that mourning and feasting never went together. Today, however, when you attend a funeral you may be forgiven for thinking that it’s a big party with huge amounts of food on offer.

Video coverage has also become a familiar item on a funeral budget, which given the cost in what is still a relatively poor economy, makes little sense. 

Another well documented fashionable trend is the use of expensive coffins. They are now so costly that people are now deliberately destroying them after depositing them in the grave so they won’t be stolen!  

Until very recently, bereaved family members only wore rubber sandals on their feet as it was considered inappropriate to be mourning while in expensive clothes. These days, however, ladies’ funeral clothing in particular is more suitable as party outfits. 

It is now common for bodies to be kept in the mortuary for six months or longer to enable dilapidated homes to be renovated or sometimes new ones built before the burial.  

Previously the body would be buried as soon as possible and the funeral held at a later date.  Now dead bodies stay in the mortuary for as long as it takes people to raise funds for a ‘grand funeral’.  

The high cost of funerals is mainly due to our brothers and sisters living outside the country.  Most of them are usually constrained from visiting home as regularly as they want due to their limited finances.  Yet in their attempt to impress some spend lavishly on funerals with borrowed money which on their return, they try to recoup by organising parties under the guise of funerals. 

And the irony is that we do not really care much about the final resting place of the dead.  Cemeteries in Ghana are often neglected, with weeds growing among the graves. 

It would be better if the huge sums of money spent on funerals could be used to improve the final resting place of our loved ones.  

It’s time our traditional rulers, politicians and religious leaders waged war against expensive funerals because it is destroying our society.

Earlier this week I visited one of the big funeral companies to discuss a possible advertising deal on My Last Song.

The funeral planning advice articles on the website are increasingly popular and thus valuable to a company with a lot of funeral businesses around the country.

The discussion got off to a good start and my proposal seemed to be acceptable.

And then the managing director showed me the print off of the article called Cutting Funeral Costs.

“If we advertise on your website you’ll have to take off this page,” he said.

“Why?” I asked, knowing the answer.

“Because it means my companies won’t be making as much money. I don’t want families to pay less for a funeral.”

In fairness, he said that he didn’t have targets for his funeral businesses and his funeral directors were told not to force up the price the families wanted to pay.

He said advice on costs was discussed with the family, to ensure that “mum had the funeral they would want her to have…”

He didn’t think visitors to My Last Song needed to know how they could reduce the costs of the funeral so the deal would only be done if the advice was removed.

I thanked him for seeing me and caught the next train back to London.

The company, which has a large market share, should be aware that the industry will change radically in the next few years.  Customers will be better informed and new businesses will challenge the established way of selling funeral services.

Take coffins. Eco-friendly materials are becoming increasingly popular, and while funeral directors are making these choices available, companies such as Greenfield Creations in Essex and The Coffin Company soon to launch in the north east, sell direct to customers wanting cheaper and more sustainable coffins.

And flowers. Funeral flowers are extremely expensive and also bad for the environment as they require heat and artificial light. Yes, the tradition of marking a death with flowers goes back thousands of years but that doesn’t mean a family in the 21st century shouldn’t want to save on this part of the funeral package, or instead donate the money to a good cause.

I appreciate the point made by the managing director that a family ‘at grief’ need a sympathetic service rather than a ‘we can do a great cut price job for your mum’ approach.

But what is unacceptable is his view that the customer should not be given the information to be a more informed client before the ‘at need’ engagement with the funeral director.

Only in a business as ‘traditional’ as the funeral business could such an unfair approach to the customer be defended in 2010.

With more businesses and organisations wanting to change how we deal with death, dying and funerals, this approach won’t last much longer, I hope.

I was interested in a piece called ‘It’s Your Funeral’ on the Irish Times’ website. An article I wrote on funeral planning in My Last Song is called ‘It’s Your Funeral‘ so if imitation is the most sincere form of flattery, I’m flattered.

The journalist did a great job in compiling within one piece some of the changes taking place in the Farewell Innovators‘ space in Ireland.

It gives details of a humanist funeral celebrant, fairly rare I would have thought in Ireland, and also covers the country’s first natural burial ground.

Most importantly the article states:  ’The best way to ensure you get the funeral you want is to make your wishes known.’

Here it stands four square with the My Last Song approach.  We believe that not only should you want your funeral to be appropriate to your lifestyle and personality, but you should make sure your funeral wishes are known.

Which is why My Last Song provides visitors with a Lifebox in which to store their funeral wishes and the funeral arrangement details so that their close family or executor can access them when the Lifebox owners are about to die or have just died.

My congratulations to the journalist who did such a good job in covering all bases – she even gives advance care directives and Enduring Power of Attorney into her piece – and the Irish Times for covering it. She also coins a phrase that might catch on…’deathstyle’, as short hand for making the funeral match the person’s lifestyle and personality.

When will a serious newspaper in Britain focus on the ever growing Funeral Innovators and the growing market we are servicing?

Quite some time, if the Daily Mail night editor has his way. I’ve  written informative pieces for the consumer editor only for him to tell me that while he likes the story, his editor doesn’t want to carry anything to do with death.

He’s doing his readers a disservice. Nobody, not even Daily Mail readers, lives forever.  Indeed Mail readers are closer to realising this than most, and are in danger every day of being frightened to death.

Oh, and the Irish Times journalist ends the piece: ‘Overall if you wish your death to reflect your life, the advice is to plan ahead and make your wishes known.’

A poll carried out by My Last Song has shown a potentially huge demand for woodland burials in the years ahead.

The poll asked visitors to the website to choose what they wanted to happen to their bodies when they died.  Woodland burial received 35 per cent of the votes with cremation second, receiving 30 per cent. The poll took place in September and there were 205 votes.

Currently 74 per cent of funerals are cremations with woodland burials accounting for six per cent.

Rosie Inman-Cook who runs the Association of Natural Burial Grounds says the poll confirms the rapid rise in the popularity of woodland burials.

“While it will be many years before 35 per cent of funerals are woodland burials, natural burial sites are experiencing a 30 per cent year on year increase in the number of people being buried in their sites.

“The increased demand is reflected by the increase in natural burial sites. The first natural burial site opened in Cumbria in 1993. The number today is almost 240.

“This should meet the demand for the foreseeable future.”

Environmentalists will be pleased with the support the poll shows for eco-friendly funerals and the decrease in those wanting to be cremated.

Julia Hailes, leading environmentalist and author of The New Green Consumer Guide, is not enthusiastic about cremation.

“Burning our dead – along with their coffins – not only creates toxic pollution but has significant impact on climate change too.  The energy consumed in cremating one body is the equivalent to 23 litres of oil.  I’d like a shallow burial in a well run woodland site, so that my body turns to nutrients as fast as possible”

The poll also gave the option of cemetery or church burial using eco-friendly coffins which 11 per cent voted for. Put the two together and 46 per cent of people want their funerals to be environmentally friendly.

These results demonstrate that when people consider their own funerals they are more likely to consider the environmental impact.

But the demand for woodland burials will not be as great as the survey suggests because most people don’t plan their own funeral arrangements. As a consequence, when they die their families are likely to opt for the cheapest or most conventional funeral – cremation.

And that’s why many people attracted by the idea of a woodland burial because it is eco-friendly will probably end up cremated, a  paradox that highlights the importance of planning the funeral you want and ensuring your funeral wishes are known.

It is why we encourage people to discuss, write and store their funeral wishes within a safe Lifebox which their closest family can access when they die and give them the funeral they want.

Ten per cent of people who voted chose to leave the funeral arrangements to their families.  For those of us who’ve witnessed the distress, division and panic when a grieving and shocked family is left to make decisions about the type and cost of a funeral, the ‘I don’t care’ approach is callous.

There’s no excuse for thinking that your ending is someone else’s responsibility.

If a funeral is neither wholly religious, nor fully secular – what do you call it?

Funeral expert Professor Tony Walter has described it as ‘Pick ‘n’ Mix’.

However, as it is becoming the most popular funeral service or ceremony in our secular and diverse society, I believe it should be called the Modern British Funeral. It is more elegant than Pick ‘n’ Mix which I associate with the sweet counter at Woolworth.

The reason that the Modern British Funeral is becoming the normal send off is that it accommodates greater personalisation.  No longer are families willing to be told what is appropriate when remembering a loved one.

When we consider our own mortality, we want to be remembered as the unique individuals we are, not dispatched by a ‘cut and paste’ anonymous, dreary ritual that all too often is the outcome of the traditional funeral.

The Modern British Funeral is characterised by:

• a mixture of secular and religious music and readings;
• greater participation of family and friends in reading tributes;
• colourful clothing, colourful coffins and fewer ‘rules’;
• greater accessibility to mourners of other faiths and no faith.

Until fairly recently some ministers of religion would, with differing degrees of enthusiasm, deliver a ‘religion lite’ funeral. Most will now officiate at a service that is a Modern British Funeral.

Any serious objection by a clergyman to providing a Modern British Funeral can be overcome by stating the example of Princess Diana’s funeral.

A growing number of families decide that the funeral ceremony of a loved one should not be conducted by a minister of religion. These now choose a civil funeral normally held at a local council chamber and delivered by a civil celebrant.

And the funeral trade, having to provide what their customers want, will now advise on and arrange a Modern British Funeral happy to give – and charge for – a more bespoke service.

Modern British Funerals often have elements of a green funeral, with the interment at a Woodland Burial site and the increasing use of eco-friendly coffins.

For Modern British Funerals to succeed in providing a unique, well organised and celebratory way of saying farewell, families need to be better informed about a part of life that until recently was a taboo subject.

This is now changing. My Last Song is getting over 100 new visitors a day, with a growing number using their Lifebox to ensure their funeral wishes are safely stored to be accessed when necessary by their close family and executor.

The Good Funeral Guide, We Need To Talk About The Funeral and Last Orders are recent publications that provide information about things funereal.

Evidence then that we are now seeing the baby boomer generation which 50 years ago redefined youth culture, reclaiming funerals from the undertakers and ministers and re-casting the rituals for their dead.

Yes, the traditional funeral, while not dead yet, is on its way out to be replaced by the Modern British Funeral.  And a good thing too.